sigh...

So yesterday was eventful! My sister came home from NY! it was liek she never left, i swear (: but before she got back, she found out about our family situation. and it hit her super hard. she didnt talk to anyone for a week. couldn't bring herself to talk over the phone... but she went on a roadtrip and was finally ready to talk to my mom. im glad she did.. i understand that it hurt her that she was left out... but my mommie was so scared of my sister... scared she was hated by her daughter. you could see it in her eyes when she wasnt talking to anyone. i see that look a lot in her eyes now. since summer. and i just wanna hug her. and sometimes i do... but other times... though its rare.. i think in my mind... "why did you get out sooner? now look..." this ruins my whole day. but then... she's my mommie... so i just tuck that behind me... and try my best to fake to my mom that im okay with it now... and that i dont care about what's happening to us... that i've made peace... even though... this situation has been unfair to everyone... no one has benefitted from this. at all..

but anyways...
since My, my sister came home. i decided she needed to know everything.
the whole shebang! so i asked her thoroughly if she knew that this was happening or that was happening and she said "yeah... i got caught up". but then she started asking about me... and im crying... effing My, dude. who doesnt cry when they talk about family?! and she goes and hugs me... HUGS ARE WORSE! THEY MAKE YOU CRY MORE, MY!!!! but yeah... told her everything... i know she's sad... cause she got that same look my mommie has... and it makes my heart hurt... cause... i think i feel what they're feeling... and it makes me wanna cry all over again. but i wont! cause i've done enough crying for years to come!!!

so.. as jessica said.. when its 10:10... i'll pray for zombies...
but still... everytime i see 11:11... i pray for better...


.....



today was cool. i texted keakea for like 8 hours straight or soemthing.... i started at liek 3... and its like 11 right now..? lol! we talked about a lot of random stuff but all serious stuff! and the memories! liek me falling asleep in corral under a chair during our halloween poem reading thingy! and him slapping me awake! lol! and when i asked him if someone jumped me, would he beat them up for me, and he totally said yes! ahaha! MEMORIES! (:

but talking to keakea reminded me yet again that i do a lot of things for my own benefit. sometimes i don't... but i do it alot.. and it makes me feel horrible inside afterwards. im constantly thinking "why cant i be more... GOOD?! why must i think about my own benefits?!" but... if it helps out... does it make it a wrong deed still... or does it just taint the good deed with bad intentions...? -sigh- eff my life.

dont you guys just love this year?

-m.nguyen

p.s. first three muskateers meeting today! we were totally B.O.D.ing!!!